As a leader focused on improving your skills in relationship development, I would like you to do one thing this week.
I want you to only open your mouth to ask a question.
Sounds simple doesn’t it? Unfortunately it is much harder than you think.
Why would a leader only ask questions? How could that possibly be an effective leadership style that helps develop relationships?
It is still common today that people are promoted into leadership roles based on their technical ability, their understanding of the business and / or their demonstration to the leaders above that they have the potential.
So when these leaders begin to communicate with their teams and their peers, they like to tell people what they know. There’s plenty of talk going on but who is really listening? Relationship development is a skill and it has communication as its foundation. Good communication starts with listening genuinely to the other person.
A good listener opens their eyes, ears, and mind, and they close their mouth. If you are busy talking and telling others what they need to do, how to do it, and why they should do it, then you aren’t listening. The person is likely to respond with feelings of frustration, disappointment, and confusion. Not a good basis to develop trusting relationships.
When people come to you as a leader, they want to listened to. They want to feel that you respect them and understand them. This is where my request for you comes in. You will have to hold off telling them what you think they need to know.
So next week when someone comes to speak to you about a problem, concern, or your advice on something ask them questions instead and see what happens. Here’s some great questions to consider using
- What have you done so far?
- What do you believe is a likely cause?
- What do you believe will work?
- What do you need?
- What is holding you back?
- How can you find out?
- What is your gut feeling on this?
- What is stopping you taking action?
- If you weren’t scared, what would you do?
- What are you willing to do / stop doing, in order to improve this situation?
- How can you learn what you need to know about this?
Notice that there are no questions starting with “why”. This is deliberate. Many questions starting with a “why” will be perceived as judging, condoning, or questioning the person’s own views and that’s not good.
You may not intend for this to occur but our minds are really sensitive to “why” questions and react quickly. You need to keep the discussion open and trusting in order for the magic to happen. So learn to reframe your “why” questions to “what” or “how” questions because these won’t be perceived in a negative manner and causing the conversation to close down.
Asking questions rather than giving answers allows the person to think deeply and discover knowledge and solutions they may not have previously considered. It shows that you are listening and you are open to their input. Don’t forget to probe and to paraphrase to ensure that you understand the meaning. You will be surprised with how different the interaction will feel for you both. This is a great skill all leaders should master.
Try using it with a sales call, a formal one to one, or in a meeting. There are so many areas where good questioning will radically change the nature of the conversation
See how you go. I would love to hear about your conversations and what changed.
