In our leadership training and development we are taught that a good leader uses empathy as a way to connect and communicate with others to build relationships. Many vision statements across a wide range of organisations also call for the use of empathy in how they do business. A common definition for empathy is your ability to step into another person’s shoes and understand what they are feeling or experiencing.
Using empathy still remains a core skill requirement for leaders.
But the science has now caught up with our practices and theories and empathy is not a skill we should be developing in our leaders. Leaders need to develop their ability for compassion.
For a very long time empathy and compassion have been assumed to be closely related and in some instances, interchangeable. If you use empathy you show compassion. If you are compassionate you are showing empathy towards the other person.
Recent neuroscientific research has now shown that empathy and compassion light up very different areas of the brain. This means that there is less of a connection than we have always assumed. Let me explain.
There are many careers in our society that can be characterised as the caring professions. These can include social work, counselling, psychotherapy, massage, life coaching etc. All these are focused on looking after the client’s wellbeing and attempting to help them achieve a better outcome in their life/relationships etc. The clients can often share significant and sometimes horrendous stories or experiences with the practitioner. What research found was that some practitioners could finish their day with a strong sense of wellbeing whilst others may finish feeling anxious, and/or a sense of despair. What causes this to occur? Why can they experience the same levels of difficult conversation yet have a different outlook?
It was found that when the practitioner practiced compassion they were far more optimistic than when they practiced empathy. Even more remarkable was that brain studies showed that empathy and compassion trigger very different parts of the brain.
The science has found that when someone feels empathy towards another person this triggers activity in the pain areas of the brain. The reasons for this is that when we empathise with another person we identify with their pain and suffering. Often this is because the stories of the other person trigger strong emotions in us. We stop listening to the other person and start listening to our own story. The conversation keeps us in the moment. We have effectively taken on the suffering of the other person and personalised it. This causes us to feel emotional and despairing.
However when we show compassion, we don’t take on the pain and suffering of the other person, instead we simply feel for that person. We can become aware of our feelings however we remain present and focused on the other person. It turns out that where empathy lights up the pain areas of the brain, compassion lights up the areas of the brain associated with love. Instead of triggering emotions of threat, fear and anxiety, compassion energises us to support the other person in moving to action rather than inaction.
Another reaction is that we may also try to avoid using empathy altogether. This happens when we believe the story is too close to our hearts that we cannot bear to listen. Instead we shut down our emotions completely and effectively leave the other person stranded. We stop listening and can become cold in our response. We choose to protect our own being rather than be in a position to help others. I have seen this in many leaders.
This is why I advocate that leaders learn to use compassion rather than empathy. Compassion allows us to listen and support without becoming emotionally involved. It means that leaders can be active in helping their employee because they are not triggering the pain areas in their own brain. So how do you learn compassion?
To practice compassion is to practice presence. If you find you are speaking to a team member or peer and they are sharing something that is painful, I suggest that you become aware of how you are feeling. Are you starting to mirror the same emotions? What are you saying? Are you trying to change the focus to your own experiences?
By practicing remaining present with the person and actively listening to understand their problem you become more compassionate. You do not become involved emotionally and so you are able to help the person to move forward. You could ask them what they should do now, or who should they talk to. These questions give the person a chance to explore possibilities to resolve their issue. It may take more than one conversation but you will be helping them to get beyond the problem. By using compassion rather than empathy you have more control in helping find the resolution of the problem.
A leaders’ role is to find solutions for problems. Helping others find solutions to problems elevates you to being a great leader.
